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Jealousy Is Not Love

By Vladimire Calixte, MA, CRC, LMHCMarch 30, 2018

“We shall know that state of love only when jealousy, envy, possessiveness, domination come to an end; and as long as we possess, we shall never love.” ~Krishnamurti-

I recently read an article where the author expressed the opinion that NOT exhibiting jealousy is the #1 sign that a man will NEVER commit.

I am disheartened to see this misconception so deeply ingrained in our society. Jealousy is NOT a sign of love and commitment. Jealousy is a soul wound! Jealousy is rooted in fear and  is about ownership instead of protectiveness.

Jealousy is multi-dimensional, involving emotions (anxiety, anger), thoughts (“She’s going to leave me for him.” “He loves her more than he loves me.”), and behaviors (nagging, spying on your partner). ~Dr. Noam Shpancer

Jealousy is a harbinger of strife and dissatisfaction in a relationship.

At the extreme end of the continuum are those obsessively and morbidly jealous individuals who end up committing what is known as “crimes of passion.” ~Dr. Noam Shpancer

The following traits have been linked to jealousy:

  • Low self-esteem and self-confidence;
  • Neuroticism: A general tendency to be moody, anxious, and emotionally unstable;
  • Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness;
  • Emotional dependence on your partner;
  • Feelings of inadequacy in your relationship: Generally fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner; and,
  • “An anxious attachment style: A chronic orientation toward romantic relationships that involves fear that your partner will leave you or won’t love you enough.” ~Dr. Gwendolyn Seidman

The aforementioned factors that link to jealousy are about the insecurities of the jealous person. It’s not about the love they have for their partner. A jealous person is trying to have control over getting love instead of loving him or herself and sharing his or her love with others.

If you feel that jealousy is blocking or hindering your ability to show love and affection and be the kind of partner you would like to be, please browse through the counselors, therapists, and coaches in Therapy for Black Men's directory.

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