If It Hurts, It Isn’t Love

April 7, 2018. By Vladimire Calixte, MA, CRC, LMHC

Many times, the feelings of love and pain are so frequently associated that they become one and the same. But love isn’t painful.

Some of us have been taught by someone in our lives (either consciously or unconsciously) that love means pain, and that love always hurts. But it doesn’t have to!

If it hurts, it isn’t love!

“For example, the pain of betrayal is caused not by love, but by deceit; the pain of loss is caused not by love, but by our attachment to a form; and the pain of conflict is caused not by love, but by some unmet need, perhaps. What hurts is not love itself, but rather our unloving actions and reactions, the conditions we place on love, the fear that we are not loved, our resistance to being loved, and even our lack of faith in love. You experience pain when you are thinking, feeling, or behaving in a way that is not loving. When you bring a loving awareness to this pain, you can see what is really hurting you.” ~Robert Holden, Ph.D

If it hurts, it isn’t love!

I would like to encourage you to reexamine your ideas about the relationship between love and pain. To consider the possibility that you can experience love in all its happiness and joy. To consider surrendering those old hurts, preconceptions, and distrust. To consider that, If you open yourself up to the possibility that being vulnerable to and for someone that completes your world, open yourself up to the possibility that trusting someone will not bring you hurt or pain (physical, mental, or emotional), that you may find that your world will expand and explode with feelings, colors, and sensations you didn’t know were possible.

Are you willing to consider letting go? The counselors, therapists, and coaches at Therapy for Black Men can help guide you.


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